Resurrection

ay0n is back.
ay0n had gone into a shell after whatever happened in June-July.
ay0n went into a new world. post july.
ay0n could be partly healed.
ay0n is definitely back.

The following is not another forward copy pasted into my blog. This is me. My Year End Thoughts.

<>Somewhere between successive 31st Decembers....
Somewhere between new year resolutions never adhered to...
and new year resolutions never will be stuck to...
Somewhere between the conscious changes...
and the unconscious reversals,
Somewhere between the unprecedented successes...
and the destined never-heard-of failures,
Somewhere between the greenies of some old township...
and the daunting brickwork of some adolescent metro,
Somewhere between the "starting all over again" ...
and the same old recurring deadlocks,
Somewhere between bunking classes,
to bunking morning Team Meetings,
and getting plastered with some fiery words,
and bunking again and facing the wrath,
and sporting a new Alarm Clock
and still reaching late.
Somewhere between the deafening silence of concentration at two in some sleepy afternoon,
and the noise of drunken revelry at three in the night,
and getting a pep talk about life from the landlord suffering from loneliness and insomnia.
Somewhere between the utter bankruptcy
and the first five hundred note earned,
Somewhere between wills flake and classic ultra milds,
Somewhere between the road-side Tee
and the classy Don Giovani,
and realizing the worthlessness of Names,
and still running after them.
Somewhere between pre-paid cards and pending post paid bills,
Somewhere between Jagjit singh and Eminem....
Somewhere between Da Vinci Code ...
and the incessant "merry Christmas-es"
Somewhere between old and new....new and old.... <>

I was forgetting something.....

Somewhere between the growing old officially...
and missing the times of freedom,
Somewhere between the growing up actually...
and realizing the threat of expectations
and getting bogged down by them,
and getting motivated thereafter....
<>Somewhere between the chronic procrastinations...
and trying to be ideally proactive,
and failing without even trying,
Somewhere between the dreams of glory
and the real-life nightmares,
and both the deserved and accidental kudos earned,
Somewhere between day and night…

I forgot....

<> what life was all about...
what it meant to smile without rhyme or reason,
what it meant to sport a few tears when my heart was writhing in pain,
that the false pretensions of satisfaction and content doesnt make me real happy
that I can't erase the memories in awe and fear of the future
that life is all about a moment , the only time I have control over my destiny is now
that i can dream without boundaries,
that i cannot engineer someone to fall in love with me,
that i cannot make myself fall in love just because i want to...
that life is bigger than you and me,
that nature always has us in a stranglehold, in her complete mercy....

but i learned... <>
its ok to mess up and then feel messed up...
its ok to be laughed at and then laugh with others at yourself...
its ok to feel ridiculous and be the black sheep...
its ok to feel like like crap...
its ok to ask for help...
its ok to smile when I do not want to...
its ok to laugh out loudly when I feel like crying...
its ok to cry like a small child... because everyone feels the same…

I learned all over again...

<> Sometimes the things I want most... i just cannot have them....
Sometimes the ppl I love most.... will never love me back in return
Sometimes the things I want to forget... i need to talk about them the most,
Sometimes the things I keep remembering just gives me a false sense of happiness,
Sometimes I just need to be myself...
Sometimes I need to very efficient at Struts, Java n J2EE :) <>

i learned that I cannot run away from truth... it will catch up eventually....!
i learned to face the truth...and still kept on evading it occasionally....
I learned life is all about caring for the people who care for you.... and caring more for the people who never cared for you.... in the hope someday they will....
I learned friends are my bank balance it times of sadness... and not the money i wish i could flaunt
I learned friendships are not broken because of time in between, its broken when I forget the charm of reminiscence …
I learned its ok to stoop and say Sorry,
I learned its ok to rise and say Hello,
I learned i am what i am today is because of the friends I had at various phases of my life...

So here’s a Thank You Note to all of you...

For always being there … consciously or incidentally.

You might have forgotten who I (Ayan) is....
We might have lost touch....
might not be on good terms…
we might be just good friends…
we might be best of friends...

<>I still care for you.

Have a Great 2005. May the world be your playground.